Rewrite a chapter from another character's first-person perspective.
8 comments:
Maura
said...
LAFE
The first time me and Dewey Dell picked on down the row. Her Pa dassent sweat because he will catch his death from the sickness so everybody that comes to help us. She was scared that her Pa might find out and kill me, but I wasn’t. We picked on down the row, the woods getting closer and closer and the secret shade, picking on into the secret shade with our sacks. She said she will or wont she when her sack was half full because she said if the sack is full when we get to the woods it wont be her. She told me if it dont mean for her to do it the sack will not be full and she will turn up the next row but if the sack is full, she cannot help it. And we picked on toward the secret shade and our eyes met a few times while she touched on my hand, but she didn’t say nothing. She looked at me all awful and said “What are you doing?” I just said “I am picking into your sack.” Her sack was not full when we came to the end of the row and she could not help it. It was because she could not help it. I think Darl knew. He said nothing, but he knew. He knew her ma was going to die without saying words. She thought her Pa was gonna kill her if Darl told, but I didn’t believe it. He was too worried ‘bout his own sack. He said nothin’ to her, but he knew. He might have want to kill me. She said “What you want, Darl?” All he say was “ She is going to die.” “When is she going to die?” she says. “Before we get back” Darl says. “Then why are you taking Jewel?” she says. “I want him to help me load,” he says.
Cora kept talking at me, trying to push her religious beliefs on me, but I only half listened. I didn’t believe any of that junk anymore. I heard the words “you have been a faithful wife” and then tuned out. I was brought back to the place, in Whitfield’s arms- a man of the Lord, a man who was supposed to have morals, a man that I had a bastard child with. What would God think about that, huh? “It is His to judge and to mete; not yours.” “I know,” I said, thinking about Jewel, the only child I had that was not connected to the man that built a life for me, a life I wanted nothing to do with. This child gave me so much guilt that I dug myself into a deeper hole, giving two more babies to Anse. Anse’s babies. “He is my cross and he will be my salvation. He will save me from the water and from the fire. Even though I have laid down my life, he will save me.”
Cora continued to speak about God, until I saw all the color drain from her cheeks and I knew that she realized I was speaking of Jewel. “Pray. Pray! Get on your knees and pray to our Lord.” But I didn’t move. Praying wouldn’t change anything. If God gave me Anse and these kids and this house to clean and tend to then I didn’t want to pray to him. I gave my life away and Jewel was the glimmer of hope that I could escape.
We are walking into town today. I can see Pa and Cash making their way down the hill, but then there’s Jewel who is going towards the barn. I can hear Pa ask Jewel to stop, but he continues on his way to the barn. Pa wants to know where Jewel is going, and suddenly he begins to raise his voice because he knows that he is going to get his horse. I’m standing with Vardaman, and he goes on about how his mother is a fish. “Jewel’s mother is a horse.” I say. Vardaman responds with how if Jewel’s mother is a horse than mine can be a fish. “Jewel is your brother Vardaman,” I say. “Then my mother must be a horse as well,” says Vardaman. I do not understand why Vardaman is comparing his mother to various animals. “You are my brother, too, Darl,” Vardaman says. “My mother is not a horse or a fish, I do not have a mother. I do not have one, because what is had cannot be is, can it? But I am Darl.” “I am Vardaman.” says Vardaman, “And you are my brother, Darl.” We can see Cash has his tool box in his hand. Pa shoots him a confused look and Cash says that he is going to stop at Tull’s on the way back from Town. I notice that Pa has shaved every day since my mother passed away. Dewey Dell is holding a package full of Mrs. Tull’s cakes and he is planning on bringing them down to her. “It ain’t right,” Pa says. “It’s flouting of the dead.”
I kept my promise to the man dressed in sin. Our affair remained a secret, and now I take that secret to Jefferson. My father said that the reason for living is getting ready to stay dead. And here I am, dead, watching Whitfield and my family continue on, and no one will discover the truth. Jewel will remain Anse's, and I will finally be free. ~He worries I told the secret. He has heard I am dying and thinks I will talk about us on my deathbed. He does not realize that I was dead long before this. None of them do. ~When Whitfield crossed the river to get to Anse he found I was already dead. Anse didn't know about us, so Whitfield left for home without any troubles. Even a man of God doesn't need to face his sins. Cora was wrong.
Sydney Hebert The ~ represent new paragraphs. There was nothing to differentiate the paragraphs before, so I added them because it was making me mad.
I closed the door quietly behind me. The porch creaked under me as I moved swiftly toward the grass. I had seen Darl and Cash watching me today as I worked. I knew the family was suspicious of my tiredness. Ma has still been her compassionate self, trying to get me to nap, or skip out on some of the work around the house. I’ve been worried someone might try to follow me one of these nights.
As I moved through the woods I began to think toward my work tonight. I was getting close to finishing up the area I had been working on. Before long I would have the money I needed to get my horse finally.
My thoughts were interrupted when I noticed a crackle behind me. I turned around. Nothing was there. I started to walk again until I noticed the noise again. I turned around and looked around more closely this time.
“Cash?” I asked.
No answer.
“I know you’re there, just come out.”
Cash stepped out from under the cover of the dark.
“Why are you following me?”
“We were worried, you haven’t been yourself.”
“Well I haven’t done anything wrong.”
“That’s why I came out, I just wanted to make sure you weren’t being suspicious.”
“Well you can go home now, I’m being a lawful citizen.”
“I ‘aint going home til I see what you’re up to,” Cash said sternly.
“I’m just doing some extra work,” I didn’t want Cash telling Anse about what I was doing. “Just show me what you’re up to and I’ll leave you alone.” “If I show you, you wont tell anyone?” “Fine.” “Okay, I better not hear about this from anyone else tomorrow.” I proceeded with Cash at my heals. After showing him the farm I was helping out on Cash seemed satisfied and left me to myself to get my work done. I trust Cash, he wont tell about this.
ADDIE Something is wrong with Jewel. I can feel it. No one understands him like I do. He is getting thin. The light in his eyes has changed, it is thoughtful, exhausted. Even now as he milks the cow, something is missing. If only I could get a better view of his face maybe I could see what he was thinking, help him. I will just move to the edge of the stall. Peer over the wall, oh no. How could I be so careless? Knocking over the rake, Jewel will surely find me. I may as well walk out from my place of hiding. Come up with some excuse as to why I was here. Cleaning the stalls perhaps. I will just walk out with the rake in hand, pass my being here off as normal, but wait. The squirting has ceased. Has Jewel seen me? No, he is asleep. He has fallen asleep against the cow, in the middle of his work. Something is wrong with this boy. Anse refuses to help Jewel. He has never loved him as I have. Work is all that matters. The money needed to thrive, the work done to get the money, the people forgotten in leu of the work. All that matters to my husband is money. He will not spend the money on doctor for Jewel. He will wait until it is too late, Jewel will die, just to save a couple of dollars. This is the last day. I can't stand worrying like this anymore.
“Addie,” Anse yells from the yard, “Jewels back.”
The cloth in my hand dropped and I run to the porch. Jewel is surely back, sitting proudly atop a horse. The anger in Anse's eyes flares. I scan the rest of my family, Darl stares with surprise, Dewey-Dell shock and Cash continues his work an air of nonchalance about him. Little Vardaman runs to Jewel's side and looks with admiration. Most of all Jewel looked proud, accomplished. I clutch my chest, the emotion overwhelms me. Understanding of Jewels illness dawns on me, all of the worrying, all of the deceit, all of the fights with Anse for nothing. What a foolish woman I try, but can't stop the tears that begin to flood out of my eyes. Kathryn Violette
“It's not your horse that's dead, Jewel,” he said. Looking long across the valley to where the barn leans against the bluff, he asks “see them?” High above the house, against the quick think sky, the bastards hang in narrowing circles. From here they are no more than specs, implacable, patient, portentous. “But it's not your horse that's dead.” “Goddamn you,” I demand. “Goddamn you. I said if you just let her alone.” Motionless, the tall buzzards hang in soaring circles, the clouds giving them an illusion of retrograde. My mother is a horse. Motionless, they are waiting for us, waiting for the moving of it, waiting for me. I enter the stall and wait until it kicks at me so that I can slip past and mount onto the trough and pause, peering out across the intervening stall-tops toward the empty path, before I reach into the loft. “Goddamn him, Goddamn him.”
8 comments:
LAFE
The first time me and Dewey Dell picked on down the row. Her Pa dassent sweat because he will catch his death from the sickness so everybody that comes to help us. She was scared that her Pa might find out and kill me, but I wasn’t. We picked on down the row, the woods getting closer and closer and the secret shade, picking on into the secret shade with our sacks. She said she will or wont she when her sack was half full because she said if the sack is full when we get to the woods it wont be her. She told me if it dont mean for her to do it the sack will not be full and she will turn up the next row but if the sack is full, she cannot help it. And we picked on toward the secret shade and our eyes met a few times while she touched on my hand, but she didn’t say nothing. She looked at me all awful and said “What are you doing?” I just said “I am picking into your sack.” Her sack was not full when we came to the end of the row and she could not help it.
It was because she could not help it. I think Darl knew. He said nothing, but he knew. He knew her ma was going to die without saying words. She thought her Pa was gonna kill her if Darl told, but I didn’t believe it. He was too worried ‘bout his own sack. He said nothin’ to her, but he knew. He might have want to kill me.
She said “What you want, Darl?”
All he say was “ She is going to die.”
“When is she going to die?” she says.
“Before we get back” Darl says.
“Then why are you taking Jewel?” she says.
“I want him to help me load,” he says.
Pages 26-28
Re-written by Maura Quigley
ADDIE
Cora kept talking at me, trying to push her religious beliefs on me, but I only half listened. I didn’t believe any of that junk anymore. I heard the words “you have been a faithful wife” and then tuned out. I was brought back to the place, in Whitfield’s arms- a man of the Lord, a man who was supposed to have morals, a man that I had a bastard child with. What would God think about that, huh?
“It is His to judge and to mete; not yours.”
“I know,” I said, thinking about Jewel, the only child I had that was not connected to the man that built a life for me, a life I wanted nothing to do with. This child gave me so much guilt that I dug myself into a deeper hole, giving two more babies to Anse. Anse’s babies.
“He is my cross and he will be my salvation. He will save me from the water and from the fire. Even though I have laid down my life, he will save me.”
Cora continued to speak about God, until I saw all the color drain from her cheeks and I knew that she realized I was speaking of Jewel.
“Pray. Pray! Get on your knees and pray to our Lord.”
But I didn’t move. Praying wouldn’t change anything. If God gave me Anse and these kids and this house to clean and tend to then I didn’t want to pray to him. I gave my life away and Jewel was the glimmer of hope that I could escape.
Pages 166-168
Re-written by Sarah Bragdon
Vardaman re-written as Darl
We are walking into town today. I can see Pa and Cash making their way down the hill, but then there’s Jewel who is going towards the barn. I can hear Pa ask Jewel to stop, but he continues on his way to the barn. Pa wants to know where Jewel is going, and suddenly he begins to raise his voice because he knows that he is going to get his horse. I’m standing with Vardaman, and he goes on about how his mother is a fish.
“Jewel’s mother is a horse.” I say.
Vardaman responds with how if Jewel’s mother is a horse than mine can be a fish.
“Jewel is your brother Vardaman,” I say.
“Then my mother must be a horse as well,” says Vardaman.
I do not understand why Vardaman is comparing his mother to various animals.
“You are my brother, too, Darl,” Vardaman says.
“My mother is not a horse or a fish, I do not have a mother. I do not have one, because what is had cannot be is, can it? But I am Darl.”
“I am Vardaman.” says Vardaman, “And you are my brother, Darl.”
We can see Cash has his tool box in his hand. Pa shoots him a confused look and Cash says that he is going to stop at Tull’s on the way back from Town. I notice that Pa has shaved every day since my mother passed away. Dewey Dell is holding a package full of Mrs. Tull’s cakes and he is planning on bringing them down to her.
“It ain’t right,” Pa says. “It’s flouting of the dead.”
pages 100-102
Matt Weimer
Really fantastic work everyone! I wonder if this was easy or hard for you to step into a character that already exists.
Maura, I was particularly impressed by the voice and rhythm of your piece.
ADDIE
I kept my promise to the man dressed in sin. Our affair remained a secret, and now I take that secret to Jefferson. My father said that the reason for living is getting ready to stay dead. And here I am, dead, watching Whitfield and my family continue on, and no one will discover the truth. Jewel will remain Anse's, and I will finally be free.
~He worries I told the secret. He has heard I am dying and thinks I will talk about us on my deathbed. He does not realize that I was dead long before this. None of them do.
~When Whitfield crossed the river to get to Anse he found I was already dead. Anse didn't know about us, so Whitfield left for home without any troubles. Even a man of God doesn't need to face his sins. Cora was wrong.
Sydney Hebert
The ~ represent new paragraphs. There was nothing to differentiate the paragraphs before, so I added them because it was making me mad.
JEWEL
I closed the door quietly behind me. The porch creaked under me as I moved swiftly toward the grass. I had seen Darl and Cash watching me today as I worked. I knew the family was suspicious of my tiredness. Ma has still been her compassionate self, trying to get me to nap, or skip out on some of the work around the house. I’ve been worried someone might try to follow me one of these nights.
As I moved through the woods I began to think toward my work tonight. I was getting close to finishing up the area I had been working on. Before long I would have the money I needed to get my horse finally.
My thoughts were interrupted when I noticed a crackle behind me. I turned around. Nothing was there. I started to walk again until I noticed the noise again. I turned around and looked around more closely this time.
“Cash?” I asked.
No answer.
“I know you’re there, just come out.”
Cash stepped out from under the cover of the dark.
“Why are you following me?”
“We were worried, you haven’t been yourself.”
“Well I haven’t done anything wrong.”
“That’s why I came out, I just wanted to make sure you weren’t being suspicious.”
“Well you can go home now, I’m being a lawful citizen.”
“I ‘aint going home til I see what you’re up to,” Cash said sternly.
“I’m just doing some extra work,” I didn’t want Cash telling Anse about what I was doing.
“Just show me what you’re up to and I’ll leave you alone.”
“If I show you, you wont tell anyone?”
“Fine.”
“Okay, I better not hear about this from anyone else tomorrow.”
I proceeded with Cash at my heals. After showing him the farm I was helping out on Cash seemed satisfied and left me to myself to get my work done. I trust Cash, he wont tell about this.
Pg 128-137
Ian Karby
ADDIE
Something is wrong with Jewel. I can feel it. No one understands him like I do. He is getting thin. The light in his eyes has changed, it is thoughtful, exhausted. Even now as he milks the cow, something is missing. If only I could get a better view of his face maybe I could see what he was thinking, help him. I will just move to the edge of the stall. Peer over the wall, oh no. How could I be so careless? Knocking over the rake, Jewel will surely find me. I may as well walk out from my place of hiding. Come up with some excuse as to why I was here. Cleaning the stalls perhaps. I will just walk out with the rake in hand, pass my being here off as normal, but wait. The squirting has ceased. Has Jewel seen me? No, he is asleep. He has fallen asleep against the cow, in the middle of his work. Something is wrong with this boy.
Anse refuses to help Jewel. He has never loved him as I have. Work is all that matters. The money needed to thrive, the work done to get the money, the people forgotten in leu of the work. All that matters to my husband is money. He will not spend the money on doctor for Jewel. He will wait until it is too late, Jewel will die, just to save a couple of dollars.
This is the last day. I can't stand worrying like this anymore.
“Addie,” Anse yells from the yard, “Jewels back.”
The cloth in my hand dropped and I run to the porch. Jewel is surely back, sitting proudly atop a horse. The anger in Anse's eyes flares. I scan the rest of my family, Darl stares with surprise, Dewey-Dell shock and Cash continues his work an air of nonchalance about him. Little Vardaman runs to Jewel's side and looks with admiration. Most of all Jewel looked proud, accomplished. I clutch my chest, the emotion overwhelms me. Understanding of Jewels illness dawns on me, all of the worrying, all of the deceit, all of the fights with Anse for nothing. What a foolish woman I try, but can't stop the tears that begin to flood out of my eyes.
Kathryn Violette
JEWEL
“It's not your horse that's dead, Jewel,” he said. Looking long across the valley to where the barn leans against the bluff, he asks “see them?” High above the house, against the quick think sky, the bastards hang in narrowing circles. From here they are no more than specs, implacable, patient, portentous. “But it's not your horse that's dead.”
“Goddamn you,” I demand. “Goddamn you. I said if you just let her alone.”
Motionless, the tall buzzards hang in soaring circles, the clouds giving them an illusion of retrograde.
My mother is a horse.
Motionless, they are waiting for us, waiting for the moving of it, waiting for me. I enter the stall and wait until it kicks at me so that I can slip past and mount onto the trough and pause, peering out across the intervening stall-tops toward the empty path, before I reach into the loft.
“Goddamn him, Goddamn him.”
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